A few thoughts on the so-called gender wars:
If we want mutuality between the sexes, it is crucial to resist movements that minimize the differences between the sexes (e.g., feminism). According to Rene Girard, it is similarity that breeds rivalry (e.g., sibling rivalries are based on the fact that the siblings share so much in common; the Auburn/Alabama rivalry is based on the fact that the schools share so much in common; etc.). This is why we have seen divorce rates sky rocket and marital rates plummet as we move towards a unisex or androgynous society. When men become more like women, and women become more like men, it is actually much harder for men and women to get along, maintain attraction, etc. When men and women try to fill all the same cultural spaces, it becomes more and more difficult for them to have a healthy relationship with each other. The sexes actually relate much better when they have well defined scripts and roles to structure their interactions. Men and women will obviously always overlap one another in all kinds of ways, but it is actually healthy if they have their own domains/spaces.
Think of inter-sexual dynamics in terms of a dance. In a traditional dance, the man leads, and the woman follows; he must be active to lead, but his leadership does not render her passive. There is a mutual respect, based on innate sexual differences. The two meld into one on the dance floor, with the man and woman each playing a prescribed role. It is orderly, structured and beautiful. The structure actually sets them free to enjoy each other as they dance. He may occasionally step on her toes or forget the next step, but there is a definite mutuality, and she can compensate for his weaknesses (and vice versa). The way they dance could serve as fit picture of how they would want to live as husband and wife, fulfilling a pattern given to them from the outside, and yet a pattern that clearly fits the way they were designed. The dance is fulfilling and beautiful.
Now picture a dance at a modern night club. Men and women are gyrating on the floor, but it is not clear they are in sync with one another; a lot of times it is not even clear which partners belong together. There is no discernible structure, no set roles for the man and woman. They flail around wildly, usually without much reason or order. Neither leads, neither follows. It is egalitarian — and it is also a mess. It is probably overtly sexual (if it’s like most night clubs), but in an undisciplined, unfiltered way. This is something of a metaphor for the way the sexes relate today. Neither quite knows what to do or what to expect the other to do. Sure, the couple is not “oppressed” by the set pattern of the traditional dance, but the freedom they have on the dance floor is an illusion because it is not an ordered freedom. There is no script, no liturgy, no set roles. It is chaos.
Many people in the modern world are offended by obvious and basic realities. To say that men are men, and women are women; to say that a man cannot become a woman, nor a woman a man; to say that there are innate, designed differences between men and women, reflected in their respective natures and roles — all of this is considered oppressive, backwards, and evil in the modern world. And yet sexual differences stubbornly persist. A lot of things have changed over the last 50 years. But you know what has not changed? Human nature — and more specifically male nature and female nature. When we rebel against the way we were designed to live, bad things happen and misery ensues. We are seeing this today, in the breakdown of the male/female relationship. It is an ominious sign for any society when the most basic relationship in society — the male/female pairing — is disintegrating. But that’s where we are.
When we see the glory of how God designed men and women to complement one another, we can actually embrace and enjoy the sexual differences to the fullest degree. The differences between boys and girls, between men and women, become a constant source of joy, amusement, and even entertainment. Of course, those differences are also the source of deep attraction — “polarity drives attraction,” as the saying goes. Sure, in a fallen world, sin has warped our masculinity and femininity, so sometimes the differences between the sexes will be a source of friction and frustration. But grace restores nature, and as we are restored into image-bearing, Christ-like men and women, we can fully celebrate and revel in our God-given sexual differences.
One of the best things we can do for society today is help people recover God’s design for manhood, womanhood, marriage, and family. I sometimes hear people say, “The church should not teach masculinity. That should be left to dads.” But this ignores the reality that half of the boys growing up in American are functionally fatherless. Who will teach them about their manhood if not the church? I hear people say, “The church should just preach the gospel and avoid talking about the gender politics of the day.” But gender politics and gender ideology is one of the biggest obstacles in the way of discipling our nation. An aspect of discipling our nation is helping people to recover the good of family life, according to God’s design. We need to preach and teach the whole counsel of God in our churches, and that means teaching about how God made us male and female in the beginning, and what that means.
The whole Bible is shot through with very specific claims about the nature and roles of men and women. It is clear from the opening chapters of Genesis that patriarchy — male headship and a bias towards male leadership/rulership — predates the fall. The man was made first and given a mission before he was given a wife. The human race is named after the man, and Adam names his wife twice, once before the fall and again after the fall. While the whole Old Testament is clear about the differences between men and women, the most explicit teaching we have on the call of the wife to submit to her husband is found in the New Testament. Romans 1 makes it clear that LGBTQ+ practice — or even promoting LGBTQ+ causes — is anti-natural and heretical. The former president of Planned Parenthood, Pamela Maraldo, said several years ago, “Abortion is where the rubber hits the road, the line in the sand for women to become fully equal citizens.” But this is a false, idolatrous, and destructive version of equality. Women do not have to sacrifice their babies to Molech to attain equality with men. They simply need to rest in the reality that they are co-image bearers and (if they trust in Christ) co-heirs of eternal life (with believing men). Women have been given the glorious privilege of being life-givers and nurturers. While feminism promised women liberation, all it really liberated them from is the joy of family life; it has actually enslaved them to the corporation and the welfare state. Women are more miserable than ever by virtually every metric we have available. While sometimes mental health medication is appropriate, there is no doubt we are over-medicated as a society; this is especially seen in the astoundingly high rate of women on anti-depressants ("mother's little helper" as Mick Jagger called them, recognizing the problem as far back as 1966).
A final note: A culture that is completely confused about gender will not be able to understand the gospel because the gospel comes to us as a love story between a man and a woman. The gospel is a gendered narrative: The Father sent his Son to die for, fight for, and thus redeem, a bride, so they can live together as husband and wife happily ever after. Any deviation from the male/female marital pattern God set up in the creation renders the gospel unintelligible. The gospel is marital and marriage was designed to reveal the gospel. Again, if you are confused about the sexes, the gospel will be impossible to grasp. This is yet one more reason why it is of the utmost importance that the church proclaim the whole truth of God, including his revealed truth about male and female.
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Addendum: Our culture is so confused about men, and women, and marriage, there are precious few examples of a decent understanding of the sexes in pop culture. But I figure it might help to share one such example to show that even non-Christians in America can sometimes get fairly close to the truth about men and women. This is a rare piece of pop culture gender sanity, as it presents the man and woman in straight-forward, traditional, complementary sex roles. My example is country singer Blake Shelton’s song, “I’ll Name the Dogs.” The lyrics are reproduced here with my commentary:
Girl, it's high time, I tell ya
No more messin' around
Time to lay these cards on the table
And just throw it on out
No more messin' around
Time to lay these cards on the table
And just throw it on out
Note that the man takes the initiative with the woman -- and therefore assumes all the risk in the relationship. He is also timely -- he's not waiting around for her to start asking if he is ever going to propose. There is no “undue delay of marriage,” as our fathers at Westminster put it. He is timely in his proposal, not dragging out the length of their courtship unnecessarily. He’s ready to get married, to take on the many manly responsibilities of family life.
I'm talkin' you and me with the same street name
Same last name, same everything
It's a real thing, a how I feel thing
So I'mma go on and take a swing
This man is not afraid of marriage -- indeed marriage appears as an aspiration, a goal, a blessing. They have not lived together prior to marriage, but once married they will share a street name. The singer makes it very clear that marriage means a total conjoining of their lives, including her last name changing to his (which tells you the woman he is pursuing is not an "independent" feminist type).
You find the spot and I'll find the money
This man knows his role will be that of provider. She will be his glory -- she beautifies his life by picking the right spot for their home. He is motivated to work in order to take care of her. She turns a house into a home with the resources he brings in to their marriage. What he initiates, she completes, and what he gives her, she glorifies.
This is just what we see in Genesis 2 - the man is oriented to work outside the home, she is oriented to the home.
You be the pretty and I'll be the funny
Again, she brings glory into his life (1 Cor. 11). She is beautiful, and her beauty is valued. Physical attractiveness is not her only asset, but he's not afraid to tell her he appreciates her looks. There is no embarrassment over the fact that the a man is drawn to feminine beauty.
Men have always used a sense of humor as one way of attracting a woman. Women like to laugh -- this man knows that, and makes sure he keeps her laughing. Note that most comediennes (at least famous ones) have been men. Men are funnier because women value a funny man more than men value a funny woman. Men do not necessarily look to women to make them laugh the way women look to men to make them laugh. There is an asymmetry in how important a strong sense of humor is in each sex. A relationship where he tells jokes and she laughs at them (however bad they are) is usually a strong, healthy, well-adjusted relationship. Men could solve a lot of their marriage problems if they would only learn to (and remember to) playfully tease (or flirt with) their wives on a regular basis. Humor has a way of defusing tension and anxiety. Women tend to be anxious creatures, especially when it comes to men, going back to what happened in the Garden of Eden. When her husband is funny, flirtatious, and teases her playfully, it puts her at ease. She draws comfort from the sense that he is in charge; after all, if he can laugh and joke, he must feel pretty good about things.
You plant the flowers, I'll plant the kisses
Again, she brings glory into their shared life -- in this case the beauty of a garden. He is affectionate, taking the lead in physically pursuing her in their marriage.
Baby, let's get right down to business
I'll hang the pictures, you hang the stars
You pick the paint, I'll pick a guitar
I'll hang the pictures, you hang the stars
You pick the paint, I'll pick a guitar
More of the same. She is domestic, building and beautifying the home and thus his life. As with humor, men have often used music to attract a woman. This is what is sometimes called “game” and it is something every man who wants to be successful in his marriage must develop. Again there is asymmetry: a man is not going to value a woman's musical skill the way she will value his (e.g., women are often attracted to male rock stars in ways men are not attracted to female rock stars). What the man and woman look for in each other is not the same.
Humor and music are certainly not the only tools a man can use to draw a woman, but they are helpful. Likewise, the man’s commitment to providing for her and actually building a family with her are attractive to her. He has skills, he is oriented to dominion, etc.
Sing you a song out there with the crickets and the frogs
You name the babies and I'll name the dogs, yeah
You name the babies and I'll name the dogs, yeah
They're going to have kids! The purpose of marriage goes beyond personal pleasure and companionship for the spouses; it involves the formation of household that will create and nurture the next generation. Families have a future in and through their children. They will have a legacy together through their children, who are the result of their shared love.
The song lyrics acknowledge the mother's special relationship to her babies. There are several examples in Scripture of mothers naming their babies-- indeed, mothers name children more often than fathers (Gen. 4:1, 19:37-38, 29:31-30:24, 38:3-5, Ex. 2:10, Jdg. 13:24, 1 Sam. 1:20, 4:21, Isa. 7:14, 1 Chron. 4:9, 7:16). This reinforces the woman’s nurturing, home-centered domestic role. She is “into” her husband and kids.
Of course, if the song acknowledges that men have a special bond with their dogs, I won’t argue.
You can park your car in the driveway
I'll park my truck in the grass
An example of manly chivalry: he takes care of her, treats her in a special way, disadvantages himself in order to make her life easier. He is a leader and initiator but also a servant who cares for her.
I'll put a little swing on the front porch
If you put a little tea in my glass
If you put a little tea in my glass
Again, we see their respective roles: He is the worker/provider, in this case putting a swing on the front porch. She is domestic, making tea for him to enjoy. Their different roles allows them to each contribute in the ways they are best suited, and in ways that complement one another. She doesn’t resent doing the domestic work and he is happy to be the dependable breadwinner. The differences between the sexes are not an obstacle to be overcome (as in feminism) but a great source of enjoyment and pleasure.
Watch the sun set from a gravel road
Kiss me in the kitchen on your tippy toes
Still lovin' on you when the rooster crows
Watching way more than the garden grow
The romantic/sexual element of their marriage highlighted — as it should be.
You find the spot and I'll find the money
You be the pretty and I'll be the funny
You plant the flowers, I'll plant the kisses
Baby, let's get right down to business
I'll hang the pictures, you hang the stars
You pick the paint, I'll pick a guitar
Sing you a song out there with the crickets and the frogs
You name the babies and I'll name the dogs
Yeah, laying next to you every night
Sounds like a ---- good life
The song’s summary of married life: Not a ball and chain, but a blessing.
You find the spot and I'll find the money
You be the pretty and I'll be the funny
You plant the flowers, I'll plant the kisses
Baby, let's get right down to business
I'll hang the pictures, you hang the stars
You pick the paint, I'll pick a guitar
Sing you a song out there with the crickets and the frogs
You name the babies and I'll name the dogs
Yeah, I'll name the dogs
You name the babies and I'll name the dogs
Yeah, I'll name the dogs
In summary: This is a pro-marriage and pro-family song. It does a good job grasping the polarity between the sexes that drives attraction. Men and women are different and it is precisely those differences that draw us to one another. The mystery of attraction is not eliminated, but something important about it is explained. When we seek to eliminate sexual differences, we diminish attraction. When we advocate for androgyny or egalitarianism, we kill romance.